Those kind of Days...

Everyone has them.
One of "those" days.
I spent the last three and a half days studying for three exams.
Microbiology.
Psychology.
Nutrition.
I have found it interesting that all three of these subjects cover some of the same topics, but not in the same way. I also found it interesting whenever I would come across some information that will be useful when I start my degree classes (Dental Hygiene), as well as little tidbits that might help me better understand my chronic illness (Gastroparesis). 
Psychology is helping me attempt to understand the effects my illness has had on my behavior and personality.
What is really fun about all of this is that I have only been in these classes for 6 weeks.
The whole semester lasts 16 weeks. 
These exams I have been studying for are the first ones for these classes.
I have put a lot of pressure on myself to get good grades in these classes. I am fortunate to have my education paid for by a relative (who doesn't think I will do well) and family that has taken me in after a divorce.
The divorce.
I never in my life thought I would be a divorced women.
Yes, I initiated the proceedings because I felt that my life would not go any further than it had and that you should not stay in a relationship where you feel unloved or unappreciated.
I still love my ex-husband, very much, and I still tear up when I think about him. I still feel a hole in my chest when I think about his voice, his embrace, his little quirks that made him annoyingly lovable.
I still worry that I will never find another man, that I will never find another best friend to share my life with.
I am so mentally exhausted from studying that all of these emotions, that I try to keep a tight hold of, have spilled out into my every thought today.
I had one of those days.
His birthday is this month. Valentine's is this month.
I have seen so many little gifts and funny cards that I instinctively picked up and thought to myself, "oh he would love this!" and I had to force myself to put them down and walk away.
I so badly want to call him and tell him what I have learned in class and how I have been able to make myself healthier.
I ordered flowers to be sent to his mother and little sister for Valentine's day.
I hope they like them. I am supposed to be his little sister's Godmother and she is such a sweet child.
She was the closest thing we had to a child of our own and she has a very special place in my heart.
My nephew was born in December and I can't help but dote on him. I have very few feelings towards my brother but I will love this little boy and maybe that will help me get through all of this.

Today felt like a weird roller coaster. Not too many highs and lows but just enough to throw me off balance.
Maybe tonight I can get some decent sleep.
Hopefully.